As much as I love Superman I'll be the first to admit that in the mid-80s he needed some help. It's almost as if the energy that had gone into the making of the Superman movies had somehow sapped the creativity out of the comics. Whatever the reason by 1986 he was badly in need of something and something big was coming but before that something big happened we have this, Action Comics #581.
We begin with Superman flying over Metropolis and using his super-hearing to blot out the voices of the the gawkers below. I repeat he's using his super-hearing to blot out the voices, that's not how hearing works.
Among the gawkers Superman can't hear is Mark. Now like any kid in the DC Universe Mark is being strapped to chair to perform some experiments on his psychic abilities.
Mark psychically projects himself into Superman and watches through Superman's eyes as Supes recuses a sinking boat.
Having no sense of boundaries, Mark mentally hitchhikes with Superman back to the Galaxy building you know, only one of two building in Metropolis that put windows in their storerooms, where he changes back into his Clark clothes. Mark is shocked to discover Superman's secret identity and he begins to suspect that Superman knows he's being watched.
Clark and Lois head over to Star Labs which evidently got it's sign from an old motel, also they got the name of the place wrong. It's S.T.A.R. Labs, not S.T.A.R. Lab. Lois thinks something fishy is going on, as usual Lois is one step ahead of everyone else. Doctor Shields being unavailable they meet Doctor Yarnell. That's a joke for us olds.
We he wakes, he's still connected to Superman and Supes is about to take on some very cartoony looking aliens. They drop a bomb designed to kill everyone in Metropolis ...save one.
Well due to some alien trickery the bomb is not stopped by Superman, and who do you think they one person to survive is?
Superman's reaction is my reaction.
Well it turns out the alien attack was a ploy to shock Mark into disconnecting from Superman and of course it works. Mark demonstrates his ability to shrink down to toddler size when hugged by his mom, and Superman used the ol' Super-hynopsis to make sure that Mark wouldn't remember his secret id.
Well that story certainly qualifies as something, doesn't it?
Thankfully there's a backup story and it's the one we came to talk about, that's right Even Superman Needs a Lawyer. I have a sneaking suspicion this story was sponsored by the ABA.
We begin outside the South Metropolis Savings and Loan. I really wish more stories were set in South Metropolis. You know where everyone says y'all, eats grits, and drinks Coca-Cola.
But before we actually get to what's happening in South Metropolis let's check in on Douglas Giddings, an attorney who evidently has a ten o'clock with Superman.
So what kind of legal business does Doug handle for Supes?
Ok, no. In general you don't need releases to use someone's likeness for news purposes. If you did, how many people would sign a release when they did something wrong? Exactly none. This is a first amendment issue and Doug should know that.
And because Supes has the defense of Public Necessity. See Surocco v. Geary, 3 Cal. 69 (1853) Also what kind of jerk threatens to sue Superman?
You know Doug, I want to like you but crap like this makes me hate lawyers more than I already do. Does Superman have a trademark? Even if he did could the common terms of super and man when used in conjunction cause confusion? That being said I want a comic that explores Green Arrow vs Potomac Sporting Equipment.
The meeting is cut short when Superman hears an alarm and Doug races down to his waiting motorcycle. This is the most accurate thing about this story because as soon as the client is gone the lawyers can't wait to leave.
Supes melts the bad guys canon, smashes their stuff, and rescues a woman while Doug films from his camera mounted on his motorcycle. That's right, years before youtube and GoPro, Douglas Giddings invented POV cycle videos. Also Superjurisprudence is the best kind of jurisprudence.
Doug explains to the Savings and Loan guy that there's guareenteed coverage and assistance through the FSLIC. Wait a minute! Unless the crooks actually got away with money that's not what the FSLIC is for. No wonder it went bankrupt.
Doug has Superman do some paper work including signing a copy for the ACLU. That really doesn't make sense but it's perfectly logical compared to Doug's exclamation that next month they'll have to handle these tax receipts.
Again what???? Does Superman pay taxes separate from Clark Kent? Does Superman have his lawyer instead of a CPA do his taxes? Does Doug make a habit of carrying around client documents on his motorcycle? Honestly, I love the idea that Superman has a lawyer friend but he should be the guy always trying to stop Supes from doing stuff to avoid potential liability. Bring back Douglas Giddings! Just please make him a better lawyer.
Bonus: Hex battles a Batman in the year 2050.
Watches that transform into other things.
And finally the series we all remember and love, Angel Love.
Hmm, cocaine you say?
Maybe next week, something new and different or maybe another old comic.
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